heymae

2:37 am

28
Oct 2009

That is what time I woke up this morning. It is now 4:43am and I am still sitting here, wide awake, in the living room. I can remember so vividly doing this exact same thing when I was pregnant with Zane. I would be so completely exhausted at night that I could barely get myself into bed, but then, every night, I would wake up at some ridiculous hour and be wide awake with no possible chance of falling back asleep at any decent hour. I would sit in the living room of our little yellow duplex, which, now that I think about it, was actually larger than where we live now. I did not have a laptop then, so usually I would watch some sort of horrible late night television, usually infomercials. I love infomercials.

I have a Midwife appointment this morning, actually in about 5 hours. I am a little nervous about it. At my last appointment I was dilated 2 and a half cm. She seemed to think there was a good chance that if I made it to this appointment, we would be choosing a time for me to come in and they would break my water manually, if it had not already done so on its own. Once that happens there is no turning back. Everyone is so ready for Rocky to be here. My mom seriously calls me every hour (but I think that is mostly because she is taking a week off of work as soon as I go into labor, and she is ready to be on vacation now!) Ian and Zane are so ready. Rachel is ready. We have a game plan in place and I have a some what packed suitcase. This is really going to happen. I am so ready to meet this little guy that has been hanging out with me these last 9 months. I cannot believe I am about to have two kids. I cannot believe we are about to have a newborn again. It has been 6 years since we have done this. I look at Zane and I cannot believe how much he has grown, how big he is now and sometimes I can hardly remember what it was like when he was a baby. Becoming pregnant with him was such a shock, and then to go through delivery and be given this little person that you instantly love so much that your whole entire world is thrown for a loop.I have never been the same since. Being Zane’s mother has brought me so much unexplainable joy. He has taught me so much about unconditional love. Am I really ready to have my whole life turned upside down all over again?

Everyone else is so ready for the baby to be here, but there is a part of me that just wants to hold on. Hold on to these last few days where Zane is still my baby. While he doesn’t have to share me with anyone. I just want to hold on to this last moment while we are still a little family of 3. I just want a little more time before my heart is turned completely upside down again. I spend every second of every day worrying about Zane and Ian. Are they okay? Are they happy? Are they Safe? What can I do to help make their lives a little bit easier? It can be exhausting and overwhelming. I do this because I love them so much. I just want to take care of them and protect them and hold them close and never let them leave. Now it is time to fit a third person into my heart. My heart feels so full now that it doesn’t seem possible. But I know that feeling. When they place that baby in my arms I know that all my fears and worries will simply disappear. I know that Rocky is meant to be a part of our family, and as soon as he arrives I am sure we will wonder how we ever thought we existed as a family without him.

As much as I am scared of what the future holds, I know that we are ready. Ready to take this next step as a family. Ready to all open our hearts to this new little person, and forever be changed.