heymae

Consider yourself warned.

10
Sep 2009

I write this post hoping that it will allow me to let some things go that I am carrying around this week. Feel free to skip it, I will not be offended. It may lack some of my usual humor. I just hope someday to look back at some of these posts and feel so much better and stronger, and feel silly for spending so much time worrying about somethings that will turn out to be so irrelevant in a couple months. Still, I feel it is important to not only share the good, but also to admit that sometimes life is so unbelievably overwhelming. I cannot be the only one that feels that way.

I am fully aware that my being pregnant is heightening all of my emotions. Pregnancy adds a whole level of stress to life that, even in the best circumstances, can be completely, mind-blowingly overwhelming. There is so much uncertainty. Is everything going to be okay with the baby? How is Zane going to react? How are we going to handle having a newborn again? How am I going to handle a newborn, and working over 11 hours a day at this daycare?! I can barely handle just the daycare these days!

Being self-employed can kind of suck. When I was pregnant with Zane I worked for a large bank and had great benefits. I took over 3 months off and was able to be paid a portion of my salary the whole time. And to think, at that time I was so bummed when it ended! Well, when you are self-employed, no one pays you if you take off work. Any time I close the daycare for Maternity Leave is entirely unpaid and that is stressful. There is also the fact that if I close the daycare, even at all, when I have Rocky, that some or all of my daycare kids may not come back. This job is fickle. I have been doing daycare for about 2 years and I have watched DOZENS of kids. Some for only a couple days, some for almost the entire 2 years. I can tell that I am a little burnt out, which I feel is understandable. I am growing a little human being inside of me and that can take a lot out of a person.

The truth is, I don’t really want to do daycare anymore. It is exhausting. I love kids, but carrying for other peoples children is not nearly as enjoyable as caring for your own. I work 55+ hours a week for less than minimum wage! That is crazy! But, I do it because I want to be home with my kids. I love being a Mom, and I want to be able to be there for all the little things and experiences they go through. However, I am starting to wonder if it is really worth it. Our entire house is taken over by the daycare, kids are always here. Yes, I get to be with Zane, but is it really quality time when there are 4 other kids here and I am super stressed and Zane just wants to chill on the couch?

There is also the issue that I am stuck at home all the time. I cannot volunteer in Zane’s class, I can’t watch him at Gymnastics Practice. I am doing this job so I can be there for Zane, and yet I cannot even actually be there. Parents are always late, so even when I am trying to get somewhere after the kids leave I end up late or not able to make it at all. It is so frustrating.

So here I am. Stuck not sure what to do. Maybe I could get a part-time job that paid me more and only work half days? At least then when I was home, I would be really home. Everyone in our family could relax. We could get rid of the playroom and finally get a dining room table! But then again, who wants to leave a little baby in daycare and go to work everyday? Not me! That is how I ended up doing this job in the first place.

I am sure it will all work itself out, life always does. And now, as I do every time I have a not super happy blog post, I leave you with 5 thing I am happy about. I know that in the grand scheme of things, my problems are tiny compared to those of others, and I like to make these lists to help me remember that.

#1- Zane is learning gymnastics routines now getting ready for the start of the competitive season. It is the cutest thing ever!
#2- Ian. Just Everything about him. I cannot even imagine how much more stressful life would be without him.
#3- Zane telling the neighbor girl that he is going to need help when Rocky gets here, because he “doesn’t have much experience with babies.” The kid is so sweet.
#4- I have a job. I know so many people right now struggling much worse than we are and I feel very lucky that Ian and I are both able to bring in income.
#5- Our President. I know everyone has their own feelings and not everyone loves Obama, but I honestly feel that he has our best interests in his heart. He is not perfect, and he is still figuring a lot of things out, but being President is a really really hard job. I have faith that he is trying hard. When I hear him speak I am inspired and I hope that people give him a chance to show us what he can do. He gives me Hope for our country.